ONE FAT BASTARD AT A TIME

I am going to take over the world!!

Seriously. I am.

I have been working on this awhile…and I have it all planned out.

All the dirty little details.

You don’t believe me??

Well, sit down, shut up and listen closely.

THIS is how it works.

 

THE BASIS OF THE BLUEPRINT

First off, there are three major driving forces in the world.

Money.

Pretty obvious. A lot of people have cash registers where their hearts should be. KACHING!! Instead of BUM BUMM!!

Sex.

Duh! Wars have been started and kingdoms have been lost because of someone getting a tad too horny.

And FOOD!

Oh yes. Food! A HUGE driving force.

Former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger once said:

“Control oil and you control nations. Control food and you control the people.”

There is a lot you can say about Kissinger, but “fool” ain’t one of them.

So, let’s focus on food.

 

THE EVOLUTIONARY COFFIN NAIL

Humans are programmed to overeat.

Plain and simple.

Given the opportunity, you will stuff your face till you fucking pop.

The reason being, we are the evolutionary descendants of people who ate till they fucking popped.

Because for most of the time the human race has been on the planet, food was scarce.

You had to run after it, fight it, bring it down, kill it and carve it up into chomp size pieces.

And eat as much of it as you could before it either got stolen by other opportunistic predators, or rotted away.

So, as you can see, getting your vittles was not easy, by any means.

And the only way you could make it through periods of famine was by eating like a machine whenever you managed to find food.

So it would coast you through the lean days.

So that became our genetic blueprint.

Now, however, in this day and age, we face a slight problem.

Food is no longer in short supply. We have LOTS of food.

I am not talking about how well this abundance is distributed – that is a story for another day.

I am talking that most of the developed world has lots of food available.

And you don’t even have to expend a ton of energy and endanger your life running after it to catch it anymore.

It’s served up in nice, ready-to-cook-and-serve, carry home containers at your local, friendly supermarket.

So, lots of foods, easily available.

That’s the first part of it.

Presented to an eating machine, who will mow throught it with wild abandon.

That’s the second part of it.

The worst news, however, is that all this food we have today is laced with so many empty calories, it’s just mind boggling.

LOTS of calories – check.

Nutritional value – ZERO!!!

Portion size? What fucking portion size? Gimme the whole damn box!!

So we have an evolutionary face stuffing machine, presented with an infinite array of food, that’s just full of calories and no nutrients.

This is an absolutely PERFECT setup for world domination.

That’s the basis of my World Domination Master Plan.

Now read on and be amazed at my genius!!!

Muhahaha!

 

IT’S ALL IN THE NAME

The first thing I will do is find the shittiest food I possibly can, source it at minimal prices and sell it to people for a hand-rubbing profit.

The obvious problem in this preliminary setup is – how can you take disgusting, low grade, cheap ass, disease inducing food and convince someone to buy it and actually eat it?

Ah…a fancy name will be instrumental.

Let’s see – call it “fucked food” isn’t going to work.

Let’s call it “FAST FOOD” instead!!

Sounds perfect doesn’t it?

It’s catchy, nippy and zippy.

A name that will easily make people forget they are eating poison.

Done!

Next.

 

LET’S MAKE FAST FOOD SEXY!!

I’ll make friends in high places, and promise them kickbacks in sales.

That will give me leverage into marketing my (otherwise dangerous) products into prime time.

If THEY make money, it will give my ass carte blanche to market with impunity. The better my sales, they more money they make!

So now let’s Market my product.

I said Market. Capital M!

I am talking snazzy ass marketing, perfectly designed ads, with sparkly, happy people in them, specifically chosen colors, images and words – all done to make my low grade food look oh-so-fucking-desirable.

I am talking newspapers, glossy magazines, TV, movies – the whole works. The more the merrier. The louder the trumpet, the more the listeners.

 

NOW, IT’S TIME TO UNLEASH THE STUFF!

So I would put a fast food outlet on just about every damn street on the planet.

USA! No problem! China. Bingo! Europe. Nail those fuckers.

I would even make sure that even if you went into deepest, darkest Africa, you’d find a fast food outlet nestled in between the jungle trees, staffed by pink flamingos and with a silverback gorilla on door security detail.

Wherever you go in the world, I would just make absolutely sure that the lure of my food was right up your nose.

Irresistible.

And inescapable.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Want to hear more of how my plan evolves?

Then join me for PART 2 of HOW TO RULE THE WORLD as I reveal more details about the way I am going to ensnare even more people in the biggest heist ever designed.

See you there!

 

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