THE 2nd MOST EPIC CAR AD ON MALTAPARK – EVER!

Yes, the 2nd most epic.

Because I committed the grave mistake of showing the MOST EPIC car ad ever to be posted on Maltapark to The Boss.

And she made it succinctly clear that, should I make it public, I would have to come up with alternative slumbering arrangements.

So, as much as I love my car, napping on the back seat would put a serious dent in my style.

Thus, here is the censored, yet full of beans version. El numero 2.

Enjoy it, then give me a call 🙂

FOR SALE (WITH A HEAVY HEART)…

OK, so you need a car?

I’m not talking about any second hand, nasty, run down car everyone wants to get rid of.

Hell no!

I am talking something classy but roadworthy to the core.

I am talking about a car that looks well-mannered but can still get the oomph out like nobody’s business.

A car in a suit that still hides a little beast inside.

A car with style, suspender stockings and a riding crop whip,

Want 50 Shades on wheels?

Then look no further.

This is my trusty Audi A4.

But it’s not just a normal Audi A4.

It is a car that has marked an era.

Born in 1997. I have had this baby for 15 years now. It has always been treated with the best of care, spending most of its lifetime in a garage. It only has two minor dings, courtesy of some irresponsible idiot who couldn’t gauge the distance to a parked car without a GPS, proximity sensors and the Star Wars laser system to save his life.

So it has the normal wear and tear to be expected from a ’97 vehicle.

So what?

It’s still a great car to drive. The little niggles just add character to the ride man. This car has been broken in and tamed and is just awaiting your command.

You can just cruise in it and be all business, as it gets you ready for your next purchase of a Bentley. You can ride along with both hands on the wheel like you wanted to pull a Fast and a Furious (that’s either or both) or with your arm hanging nonchalantly out of the window like a boss.

Whichever method fits your whim, this car will show you off to the best advantage.

You will own the road, baby.

Driving this car is so cool, it doesn’t even have an AC. Totally unnecessary.

Seats are super comfortable. The driver’s seat alone comes pre-moulded to butt shape – I have been sitting in it for years to ensure that effect. If it can make my butt feel good, it’s going to make yours swoon with comfort.

What about starting up?

Just one key turn and bam! The 1.9TDI engine purrs into life like a well-trained tiger. It’s ready for you to ride it all day long if you wanted to.

The turbo has that kick to it that makes accelerating a pleasure and it cruises with the delight to be expected from an Audi. Puts that smug expression on your face just where it belongs.

It has been cared for and cosseted like that first hot girlfriend you ever went out with (just because you were so desperately hoping to get at least to second base). A full service right on the chime of the clock. Oil changes using that fancy expensive oil that makes cars moan in ecstasy. Fresh tires every time one became even slightly worn.

Damn, this car has had more care put into it than an entire family of those damned Care Bears.

No smokers have ever been in this car. Not a chance in hell. The only plumes you will get is from you sitting smoking hot in the driver’s seat.

No drunk people have ever been in it either. That means it is absolutely barf-free. I learned that from my first car when I mistakenly tried to help a friend home after a party. Never again. All you Regan Theresa MacNeil wannabes can damn well walk home.

Plus, just in case it crossed your (dirty) mind, it is also 100% hanky-panky free. Never has been used for that purpose. A car with this much class is used to get your date from the fancy restaurant to the bedroom. And yes, you can get CSI to confirm that if you have any doubts.

BONUS POINTS

if you drive this beauty in Gozo, it has the added and delightful benefit of making everyone wave at you. I know just about everyone here and when you’re behind the wheel, people will think it’s me cruising. Driving down the street will make you feel like the Pope himself. A mood booster like no other.

I am letting my Audi go with a heavy heart – I just cannot fit in it any longer.

24 years of lifting weights has made us sadly incompatible. She just isn’t receptive to my butt anymore.

So how much does a unique ride like this cost?

€10,000? I could ask for that much but No!

A bargain at €5000? No!

How about €3000? No to that too.

You can get this one of a kind green beauty for only €2457.99!!

An absolute bargain for anyone looking for a well-mannered ride with pizzazz and class.

Call right now.

But please, do try again if the line is engaged. I expect to be flooded with calls for my baby.

She will be missed.

UPDATE – FAQ TO ALL CALLERS

Thanks to all those who called in about my Audi.

However, not all calls were about a potential purchase.

So I believe the following FAQ will help future callers and answer all those burning questions that seem to be on a lot of minds.

Here we go.

#1. Is this a real car ad?
Yes this is a real car ad.

#2. Is the Audi really for sale?
Yes, my baby is really for sale.

#3. Why are you selling the car if you love it so much?
Sadly, I just can’t fit into my car comfortably anymore. I guess you could say we have grown apart.

#4. What do you mean, you can’t fit in the car?
I’ve been bodybuilding for almost 25 years. This car was not made for people over 120kg to enter or exit comfortable. Getting my ass in the car is like trying to dock a rocket at the Space Station. It needs precise manoeuvring, a special angle of descent, a position of entry and a guided landing into the seat.

After which, you still have to put your thighs into position under the steering wheel.

Bit of a bother to say the least.

The seating position is ultra comfortable, again the drawback being I have to drive with my legs splayed outwards as they will not fit under the steering wheel.

Of course, none of this applies to you if you are under 120kg and with normal sized limbs and butt.

#5. Can we be the first to…?
NO! You cannot be the first to barf in my car.

And you cannot be the first to shag in my car either. So stop asking.

And thanks to who offered me the combined package of a shag and a barf – two for the price of one eh? Yeah, right!